Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Randomize
