checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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