I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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