He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
