yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
