come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
