The maid of honor just puked.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Randomize
