I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
