1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
