my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
My brain says no but my pants say off.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Randomize
