I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
i used baking grease as lip gloss
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Randomize
