I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
