dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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