so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
We need a shit load of segways right now
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
