I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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