Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Vodka?
Forever.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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