I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
