i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
