Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
