she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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