if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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