i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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