She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
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