Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Randomize
