Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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