I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
