I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
