He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
