Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
