I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
He shit in the fireplace
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Randomize
