i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
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