I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
The air was thick with penises
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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