Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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