In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
