I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
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