My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
