i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize