my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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