no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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