just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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