please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
