I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
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I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
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I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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