It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
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