Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
