***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
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