I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Randomize
