mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Randomize
