I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Randomize
