And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Randomize
