i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Holy shit dude........stairs
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Randomize
