I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
