Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
