I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"