I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.