Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
