Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Just high enough for therapy.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
