I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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