he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
