I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
