does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
