I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
